So lately, I've been freaking myself out.

Not for no particular reason, but because in the way I've been treated in the past, now I am not very conducive to trust.

There's a girl involved. Her name begins with a C.
It's not that she's given me a reason not to trust her, but it's so hard for me to.

It's coming home from tour to a note that says that I'm being left for someone after knowing them only for a few days, it's the simultaneous dating of myself and the singer of my old band, it's how everything was great one day and completely over the next, it's having me drive 6 hours and telling me that I make you feel better than anyone ever has and then the next night wanting to get back with your ex while I'm sleeping in your guest bed, it's playing games with my head and letting me hang til you're ready to cut me loose, then you call me back. It's letting someone come between us that full on 100% is in love with you, you ignoring me and letting that situation happen, then blame me for getting upset when it does.

These things fucking hurt. It's not like I have an agenda to accomplish by freaking out. It's the warning signs that say, this is dangerous area, and even though I expect you to do this to me, I'm going to try.

This is also the reason why it is harder to get to know me after we're in a relationship. You have to give me time and talk to me if you care that much. After literally years of beating myself up over what could have happened (and maybe this has become a fault) I've finally started to do what I think is right when I want to do it. The end result? It becomes harder and harder for you to do anything for me. I've recently realized this: I make the things I need happen, or I don't need them that bad. And I know it sounds shady to say that I think people might want to do nice things for me, if it's someone like me, it'll probably happen. But this is where I stop you. I'll discourage you in this. I don't mean to do it, it happens...somehow. I'll be vulnerable in ways you won't know or realize until it's too late, mostly because I've been taught not to be that way unless it's an absolute emergency and in which case there are a few people that are my back up. Chances are, you'll get frustrated with me and shut me out, and then I'll get really depressed and not understand, and then you'll get into a year+ long relationship with someone else. And when that falls apart, you'll come back and express that you actually did enjoy the way I treated you and that you were actually in love with me, thus potentially breaking my heart again, or just adding insult to injury.

But this is not a sob fest, this is a thinking fest. How do I rise above this?

My friend last night expressed to me that I need not be so nice. I can sort of dig that, however I only know how to be one way. I think one of the things I do is that I raise the bar so high so quickly that nice things are expected, and when I can't deliver forever (who can?) that signifies the end of our "era," and see ya Steve.

Okay, well then find someone that you can be yourself around. I think I have. However, there are things you can't stop about the way you are without difficulty. And it doesn't help the situation we are in is really hard. So I sit and think about being constructive.

Maybe rest and peace is what I really need. Which stretches into a completely different idea entirely, one of me living my life with such a busy schedule. I don't know how to relax. How does that happen?

God, we're gonna have to do something about this.

Also, there is something that's been a really valuable lesson that's only happened within the last day...I received some great advice about the nature of God: faith, hope, and love, with the strongest of these being love. And this is how you tell things that are from God. Because if God is good (all the time) then there is no room for vengeance or retribution on His part. But also that this is how you can test one against another.

For example, the thought in my mind that pops up a lot is one of C being drunk and kissing some random dude. As I said before, there are 2 things happening here...the fact that these things have happened to me before, but also the fact that this is my imagination taking complete precedence over my rational thoughts. And my first thought is, God why are you showing me this? And that's when (lately) I've been able to look at this from a counter angle and say, God you are not the one that is showing me this. There is no faith, hope, or love in this, and therefore this is not from You. It's slightly comforting.

Another thing that has happened in the last couple days is while I was driving home the other night, I was praying mega hard that if things with C weren't right, that they just disappear and I would be alright with it.

No answer.

So then I was thinking that maybe that's much too much to ask, and so I shortened the view of my question down to, God, is what I'm feeling real or pure?

Answer: When I'm involved it is.

Dang. That blew my mind. I've been being a freaking idiot lately and I don't know how to stop.

So tonight, I think I might get the chance just to go out into the woods and either hunt or fish, somewhere that it's quiet and my mind has other things to work out on, rather than pick apart misery that hasn't happened (and may not ever happen, it's hard to remember this side of it too.)

All I can really say for sure lately is that I'm trying to set myself straight. It's so hard. I can't imagine how hard it would be without Jesus. Pull grace from me and I've literally got less than nothing.